Stepping Out - III

I was talking to an ex-coworker a couple of weeks ago about her breakup. It had been a few weeks but she was still going thru withdrawals. Since they had lived together for awhile, she now had problems being at home alone. She was constantly living inside her head—meaning she couldn’t stop the negative voices.

As an only child, I knew firsthand what she met. I am constantly in my head (happy, sad and sometimes crazy thoughts) and as a writer it becomes more so than the norm. I continued to listen as she said, “Work is a welcome diversion.”

That threw me. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I knew what it meant to use work as a distraction. No one had ever said that to me before. I thought I was the only one who felt like that and I was always ashamed to admit it to anyone for fear of people feeling sorry for me.

For the last 4 years, I used work as a diversion. I’d stay late and come in on the weekends and although people would scold me for working long hours and weekends, I welcomed the moments where I wasn’t sitting at home. I’d get home about 9ish, eat dinner and watch a little comedy and two hours later I’m in bed asleep and able to shut out the world and not have to think about life for 7—9 hours.

Not to say I don’t have friends. I have plenty and get invited to my share of social events. But it’s easier to stay home, lie on the couch and not move until you have to.

I grew up mostly as an only child. That probably doesn’t make sense to most but I’m not in the mood to explain what ‘grew up mostly’ means right now. Suffice it to say, I can be comfortable spending time with myself. I’m sure some would say too comfy. But I also love to be surrounded by people.

I recently had a friend stop by and drop off a CD and when I asked where they were going they said they had to run some errands.

I jokingly asked if I could tag along. You see, I know my friend and I could tell he wanted some alone time. But for a few minutes after they left, I felt alone and the thought of traveling only a few feet to an office every day depressed me.

Unless you have a writing partner, it’s a lonely talent. It’s what I love and hate about writing. I think the loneliness part of writing scares me the most about my new season. But it’s also what makes me a great writer. And once I’m able to share my writing with the world, I know that part of the loneliness will disappear. I can’t wait.