I left my job less than a week ago. A company I’d been with for 6 years and two days. A job where I made a comfortable salary and worked with some of the most incredible people I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with in my corporate career.
Yup. I stepped out. Now what?
During my 6 week notice (instead of the standard 2), I was constantly asked if I was excited about leaving. I think most people expected me to jump up and down and say, “Hells yes.” But I couldn’t. I was tired and stressed.
One, I’ve always had problems sleeping but it had now gotten to only 3 to 4 hours a night. I couldn’t believe I had given notice. What the heck was I doin’? Two, I wanted to make sure I got all my work done to make it easier for the next person(s). It took a village to do my job even though in the last 2 years, it had become a department of 1 and I needed to train that village. Three, did I have enough money saved? And 4, what if I failed?
Another question that was asked--, “What will be the first thing you’ll do when you leave…” For that, I gave the standard answer. I’m going to write. But for my close friends and family who needed more, I gave a detailed outline; mediation and prayer in the morning, workout for 30-40 minutes every other day, write 2 hours in the morning and 2 in the afternoon with the goal of getting up to 6 hours a day of writing. Most days, I’ll stay home and once or twice a week to keep it exciting, I’ll go to a coffee house or library.
But I have to be honest. An outline is just that, an outline. Like my writing, I can outline a story from the beginning to the end but when I began to write, it never comes out the way I expected.
I’ve been here before and working at home is a struggle. For the first few days, you start counting the money and wondering how long it will last because you realize it takes money to have a home office. I needed a new cell, a home phone, printer and the Internet. Plus, I wanted to make sure my place was not only desirable for me to want to work 24/7 but for people to come and visit.
For the first few days I had a burst of energy and began cleaning and organizing my work space-- throwing out the old with hopes of bringing in the new.
A couple of days later I started noticing that I was visiting the fridge a lot then--
I need to interrupt my writing flow to ask a question?
Why when you are on a budget does it feel like you can’t get enough to eat and you start craving everything?
--I started sitting on my couch a lot and turning on the television.
“I’ll just watch a little.”
A couple of hours later... I can start tomorrow. Then tomorrow turns to Monday.
I’ve been leaving my job to write for 6 years and 2 days basically the day I started. I stressed when the Head of Production told me that they wanted to hire me permanently and I cried when I had to write work goals for the first time in 8 years (I’d been a temp forever when I moved to Cali). I would have to lie and make up goals for a job I didn’t want (I don’t like lying) but needed. Plus, I was fearful that this would be it for me.
Nevertheless for 4 years, I wrote goals and went through performance reviews and became a fixture in the company. And during those years, I began to like what I did. I grew in my position, learned and was promoted but mostly I fell in love with the people I worked with.
During my 4th year I began to feel a shift and for awhile I tried hard to get back to how I felt those initial years. But the more I tried to bring myself back, the more I kept hitting a wall. I’m all about signs and I knew what they were telling me. It was time to go.
So for two years, I prayed, fasted, meditated and read and reread affirmations until finally I was able to release, to let go and to let God. I left.
Now, here I am. And God help me I am terrified. I’m right at the beginning with no idea on how it will end.
Stay tuned…
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